Breaking The Silence - Baby Loss Awareness Week 2019
This special blog post has been set up for baby loss awareness week 2019. My aim is to help break the silence surrounding baby loss by sharing lots of stories from different mums who have suffered a loss. Each day a new story will be added!
Day 7 - Amy's Story
It’s been 4 years, 6 months and 12 days since I saw my Son and if I’m honest it doesn’t get any easier telling his story. But I do because my worst fear is that he will be forgotten. Jason was born on Sunday 29th March 2015 at 35 weeks gestation. After a “textbook” pregnancy I was shocked at how things could go so wrong so quickly. First of all, when labour started I didn’t know I was actually in labour. It was quick and fairly painless until near the end. Unknown to us at the time Jason was a tiny baby, weighing just 3lbs 6ozs and he was breech. Due to his size he still had plenty of room to turn and so this wasn’t picked up during any antenatal appointments either.
My first sign of labour was sitting on the toilet and seeing a pair of little legs just dangling. A home birth was not something we had planned on but I’ve since realised you can’t plan everything and sometimes plans have to change. Jason was delivered at our home by my husband, a paramedic and a midwife. It took three people to try and deliver him and I can honestly say we couldn’t fault anyone in our house that morning. Jason was left for some time before his head was able to deliver (I’m told small babies are quite hard to deliver naturally at the best of times) and so he was starved of oxygen for quite some time which undoubtedly caused issues and was a factor to his death. Jason was born alive and lived for 37 minutes, all this time staff at our local hospital worked hard trying to help him however his heart rate couldn’t get up and in the end they had to let him go. The only person who got to feel Jason’s few breaths was my husband.
Jason had a rare type of Down Syndrome called Translocation Down Syndrome and a hole in the heart. Jason also had tissue on the brain that meant there was a high chance he would have had severe epilepsy and other health issues too. Jason had gorgeous ginger hair, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes a nose and a mouth. Although he was tiny he was absolutely beautiful. He was the splitting image of his Daddy and I couldn’t love him any more if I tried. It doesn’t matter to me that Jason had all these health problems, he is my Son and I will love him forever and a day.
We were able to spend time with him, my grandparents, our parents and our brothers came to the hospital and held him and prepared themselves to say goodbye to our beautiful boy. We spent most of the day with him and honestly it wasn’t long enough. I know now that we could have stayed with him much longer than we did and I will always regret leaving him so soon. This was the last time I saw him, I didn’t go to the Chapel of Rest because everyone said it would be too painful but there is no pain like knowing you can’t take your baby home, knowing your life can never be the same again.
My family will never be complete because he will always be missing, we lost our Son but we lost all that goes with being a parent too. Ellie has lost the chance to have her older brother with her, a living sibling to play with.
Jason is thought of every second of every day and giving him a legacy to live through has helped me so much. Jason’s death has spurred me on to raise awareness and support others in the same position we were in. To date we have raised over £3000 for different charities and donated a bundle of books to our local hospital’s bereavement suite to help other bereaved families. Jason’s Legacy will live on and I will continue to share his story with the world, no matter how difficult it is, because he deserves to have the world know how special he really is.
I invite anyone to light a candle tonight for Wave of Light, say Jason’s name and any other babies you may know/love and help break the silence around Baby Loss. I’ll be lighting my own candle and thinking off all Jason’s friends in the stars tonight.
Day 7 - Joan's Story
This is a bit of a long one so I apologise, but thank you as well for reading...I don't usually talk about what happened. Not sure why. I think I just try and hide the pain I still feel.
I found out in January 2017 I was pregnant. Me, my partner and my son were so excited. I went to the drs and booked an early pregnancy scan for dates.
A week before my scan I started bleeding. I went to A+E was told all was ok. I had decided to have my baby at the same hospital my son was born in, we had moved recently. I had to book another appointment with the other hospital and was told to wait for my dating scan until it was at the right hospital. I hadn't cancelled the scan I was originally given. I went to my first scan and explained that I was scared as I had been experiencing bleeding. My mum came with me. I saw my baby and heard its heartbeat. I cried so many happy tears. The sonographer said it was early and shouldn't be given a picture but I could have it anyway. My mum and I laughed and said it looked like a little cashew nut.
A few days later the bleeding became heavier. I went back to A+E. Once again I told I was ok but to keep an eye out for clots. I went to my second dating scan and heard the babies heartbeat again, this time with my partner. Happy tears from both of us. The bleeding went on for two weeks. Then came the clot. It was tiny smaller then my little finger nail. I did as I was told and went to the hospital to be told it's not a big clot. Your cervix is closed everything is fine. 2 days later the clots were bigger. I went to the hospital to be told my cervix was still closed but that I was losing my baby and to prepare myself. They booked me a scan for a few days time.
The day of the scan came. My partner and i went in fully expecting to hear bad news and had prepared ourselves. I told the sonographer why we were there. My partner held my hand while the sonographer told me there was no baby anymore. She grabbed me as I burst into tears. I knew she was going to say it but that didn't mean it hurt any less.
I saw my babies heartbeat in two separate scans. I know it was a little fighter for all those weeks. I will never forget my little cashew and will always love them with all of my being.
Day 6 - Charlie's Story
The Lady who was doing my scan; went and got a colleague as they had to check On what to do next. This filled us with more dread; but not only did we just find out we had miscarried but that we had a baby in my tube too..
The scan was done... and all we got told was; Go sit in this quiet room (Room for parents who have just been told they have lost) and someone will be with you soon... 4hrs later, with me pacing up and down, no one still came and so forth... I was getting irate because I didn't know what was happening.
After 6hrs of being in hospital, blood test being done and let in a room we were told go home - No support nothing, no help; just a get on with it... But how could we; how could we just continue like nothing happened..
I wanted to hold our babies, say mummy was sorry, and that mummy and daddy would see them one day and until that day they were the bright star at night we will always look out for.
We wish we could have held them, gave them that cuddle, see them smile and be happy but unfortunately we didn't get that chance. However they will always live in our memories, yes we never met but I can visualise them if they had been born always remembering.
After trying and trying again; we gave up. we thought we couldn't conceive... then In August 2017 We found out I was Pregnant. I had an Operation around the same time we found out... and Alarm bells were risen once again due to the medication I was given. We went for our early scan at 6wks due to the history of loss to see a beating heart beat - I called the baby an alien lol!
In March 2018 Our son was born - and although hes a Rainbow baby, I am sure his older siblings are watching down from heaven; and guiding him though the life he leads as if they are his guardian angels.
Yes, we never got to meet our two babies, but we will always remember them and cherish that short time we had with them and will one day meet again.
Day 6 - Sarah's Story
So my story began in 2014, we decided we were ready to start a family. Neither of us had children and I had actually never wanted children but I met mark and that all changed.
I came off of the pill and we decided to take quite a laid back approach. I wasn’t tracking ovulation etc...a year passed and nothing had happened. At that point I downloaded an ovulation app, I had no idea we are restricted to a few days each month! So we then got a bit more serious about ‘trying’, I kept an eye on dates and periods.
Another year passed, still nothing. We then made appointments to discuss what could be wrong. Mark went through the standard sperm count test and was absolutely fine so I then had the awful feeling of guilt that it was all down to me. The first set of tests highlighted straight away that my hormones were all wrong. My progesterone was really low so they decided to wait two months and then do a re test before treating.
In August 2016 we were out for a birthday meal. I suddenly felt so strange and sick, couldn’t eat any of my meal. In the car on the way home I told mark we should get a pregnancy test. He did want to because of the disappointment but I just felt so strange! That night we did the test....PREGNANT!! We couldn’t believe it. I cried of course! It was really late so no one was up, we tried our parents but no answer! So the next morning we went and told them. We were all in shock. I only told close friends and family.
The only symptoms I had were sore boobs and awful nausea. I told me boss at work and a couple of close colleagues. I had my first midwife appointment and we worked out my due date as 22nd April 2017.
At 8 weeks I woke up feeling completely normal. No nausea, boobs didn’t hurt. It was as though a switch had been turned off in my body. Every one said I’d be fine and that I was just over the worst. I went to the gp and told him but he also wasn’t concerned and basically told me to ‘stop worrying’. I knew something wasn’t right.
Two days before my 12 week scan I started bleeding at work. I work at the hospital so I went over to a&zero and they did some blood tests. My hormone levels were very low but they said everyone’s differ so it wasn’t yet an indication either way. They told me to go home and come back in 48 hours for another blood test to see if they were dropping. I went back after 48 hours and they decided to do a scan. Mark and my mum came in. As I laid there I was imagining my 12 weeks scan that was meant to be the next day, seeing the baby for the first time and hearing the heartbeat. But as I looked over at my mum I saw her shake her head at mark and they both started to cry. At this point the midwife told me the baby had died at 8weeks (exactly when I lost all symptoms) she gave me the choice of going home to miscarry or staying in. I went home
The next evening I suddenly had the most horrific pain. Contractions! I was in such a state, mark phoned an ambulance. I was taken in and after 12 hours of contractions they finally gave me some morphine. A doctor came in and examined me and the baby was completely wedged in the neck of my womb. She tried to physically pull it out with her hands but couldn’t. I was in so much pain, blood every where, doctors every where. I was so scared. Finally at 4am they took me to theatre to surgically remove. I woke up after op and had a huge feeling of relief. Relief that it was finally over. No more pain. Only I didn’t realise how it was going to affect me mentally.
The following weeks were hard, Mark and I struggled day to day. Of course I had the guilt of it being my fault because we knew my hormones weren’t right anyway.
Mark proposed which was a little bit of light in the dark hole I’d fallen into.
A few months went by, we hadn’t discussed trying again but I also hadn’t gone back into the pill. One month my period was late, only by about 4 days but that was unusual for me. So we got another test...PREGNANT!! I don’t even know how I felt. I definitely didn’t feel excited, all I could think was that I was going to have to go through it all again!
Because I’d fallen pregnant so quickly they got me in for an early scan. As a I lay there the sonography didn’t say a word. She was taking a long time and I had no idea why. She then explained that she would have to do an internal scan. That also took a long time. She finished up and dried off my tummy. She then sat me up and told me that she is unable to find a heartbeat. She said it was very early days so this didn’t mean the worst. I had to go back in two weeks time for a rescan. The same happened again, no heart beat. This went on for 10 weeks. They scanned weekly for 10 weeks to see a heart beat.
By week 10 they told me that although things were developing and the sack was expanding, there was definitely no heartbeat. If they can’t find a heartbeat by 10Weeks they make the deduction that it is a failed pregnancy...another miscarriage just a few months after the first.
So they booked me in to have surgery and it was definitely calmer than the first time. I came home the same day and for some reason mark and I could not talk. We struggled to be in the same room as each other. We really drifted apart. I wanted to give up on every thing. What was the point? I couldn’t give mark the one thing that my body is supposed to be able to do? Confusion, breakdowns, anger, hurt are just the start of the emotions we were both going through.
Friends and family were pregnant and they were healthy so there was also jealousy. Jealousy that it should be me and I should be having a baby shower and have a big huge bump that I moan about. But nope nothing, no pregnancy, no baby and the way things were going no fiancé soon either!
Of course we did work things out. We both had to deal with it in our own way. We struggled to support each other when we were both hurting so much. We then decided to take some time away from family planning and concentrate on us as a couple again.
When I told friends and family what had happened I was in disbelief at how many others had been through a loss. Even family members that I had no idea it had happened to. I am an open book and I tell the world my business but I know others don’t. I just think it is so important to talk! To cry and scream about what you have been through because it’s so common that the person you tell will have a personal experience of a similar situation and I found comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone. You feel like the only person in the world going through it but it is happening daily to hundreds of women and couples.
I am so lucky that I fell pregnant a third time and although the most traumatic thing I have ever done I now have a beautiful daughter. She was a complete surprise and unplanned but I am so grateful to have her. Unfortunately due to our experiences we never want to go through any of it again so we will not be having any more but I am so so grateful that we have our happy ending. But if anyone reading this ever wants to talk to someone that has been through it, my inbox is always open 💖
Day 5 - Alisha's Story
On the 8th July 2015 I found out I was pregnant, I was 18 and shocked but Happy. Fast forward to my first scan when I was about 10 weeks, the 13th August. We were in there a few minutes, the lady looking around, tilting the bed trying to see. Then she said "There's something wrong with the baby's head". In that moment I had a image of something I seen on This Morning one day flash through my head of a baby with some of their skill missing, I didn't know why. I asked her what she meant, what was wrong. She told us that it looked like it hadn't developed properly. That's all we were told. We had to come back to see a specialist. I left the hospital in pieces not knowing what was going on. When we came back I was scanned again and was giving the diagnosis of Acrania. It's a neural tube defect like Spina Bifida, the neural tube didn't close and as a result the skull didn't form. Acrania is fatal, we were told that the baby would be brain damaged because the brain was exposed and that broke my heart. We were told we could terminate or continue the pregnancy. I desperately wanted to continue, it would come with more risks and I could miscarry, but knowing our baby was brain damaged I couldn't do it. The consultant told us that because of this the baby wouldn't be able to swallow the amniotic fluid and that broke my heart. We decided to terminate. We chose the name Ashley to name our baby as it was unisex and was personal to me, we later found out our baby was a girl. On the 24th August at 12:22 Ashley was born, we celebrate this as her birthday. She was brought into me in a little wicker basket with a lilac knitted basket. Apart from her head, she was perfect. She came out chewing on her fingers, smiling. We had a funeral, filled her coffin with a teddy, blanket, photos of her family. Everyone I think of Ashley my heart aches and it kills me that I felt I couldn't continue, that I never got to feel her kick or meet her just for a moment. But I'm grateful to have a daughter, and now a son. 3 days before her 2nd birthday I found out I was pregnant again. Thankfully he was perfectly healthy. As a precaution I took a very high 5mg dose of folic acid in my pregnancy reducing the risk of a neural tube defect by 75%. For people without a history the regular dose is sufficient and reduced the risk by about half which so many people don't realise the benefit of taking it. I hope this story spreads some awareness, support and hope to others 💕🌈
Day 4 - Abii's Story
My partner and i have been best friends since we were 10 years old and we have always wanted a family. We got together when we were 15 and 16. Then in 2013 on the 13th July we had our first loss our little baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. We were so so scared. We had both just turned 18. We started trying again however it just never happened! In January 2017 we had an appointment to see why this maybe we were then told we would never have be able to have children as my Fallopian tubes are blocked and I have that bad PCOs that they could hardly see my ovaries due to the cists on the scan!
The doctors then put me on metformin. Then in June I started bleeding heavily! I went to the doctors who said I was PREGNANT! Wow a baby we were actually going to have a baby! We had early scans which should our baby was all okay! Anyway time went along and the 20 week scan came around we were so so so excited! However when the scan started we could see something was amiss. We couldn’t see our baby. There was no water what so ever in the womb which meant it was impossible to see our boy 😞
On October 7th our little boys heart stopped 2 years ago today (our anniversary) and on the 9th October 2017 he was born in the butterfly suite. At 29cms, 12oz at 14:35. Ethan Ronnie Elvidge. Our precious little boy! We got to have him in our room in the cold cot for 2 days. Two precious days with our boy! We will cherish them forever. My mum knitted the outfits that he has on in the picture.
We didn’t think there would be a future anymore and I went into a very very low place! Until we found out that we were PREGNANT again only 5 weeks after Ethan was born! It was a very very scary pregnancy but on the 21st October 2018 Poppy Rose was born!
Not long after poppy was born we had Ronnie who was born on the 16th October 2019. Our rainbow and pot of gold.
We will forever remember all of our babies! And when people ask me how many children we have I always say 4. 2 in heaven and 2 on earth! My angel babies will always walk with us and I will forever try and make them proud as I will for all of our babies!
So this week will be very hard for us with it being “wave of light” week but it’s also a celebration that we were so so lucky to meet our babies and carry such miracles. Thank you for listening to our story.
Day 4 - Claire's Story
Our story of how we became parents to an Angel.
After an eventful summer in 2017 of getting married and honeymooning we decided to try and start a family I was so apprehensive due to having an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage when I was younger.
Surprisingly we got pregnant fairly quickly and found out we were expecting!! We were so thrilled and happy 😃my other half was adamant we were having a girl and was ecstatic for Christmas 2017 as shortly after we had our 20 week scan and we decided to find out the gender. I had a standard pregnancy not much sickness and was actually enjoying it, I was even starting to feel baby moving. One day I got worried though and couldn’t contact midwife so went to see gp. Heart beat was good and she was happy for me to wait for my scan in a week. Both our mums came with us to find out if we were team pink or blue but I had this feeling something wasn’t right in pit of my stomach that I hadn’t been able to shake. I thought it’s first time mum worries and this health scan will tell me so. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case, our little girl had unusual signs and we stayed at the hospital some time before being referred to another hospital the following day. Fast forward and after seven weeks of test after test , a blood transfusion and an MRI our baby girl was diagnosed with two brain conditions and a not yet known form of anaemia, they didn’t think she would make it, and if she did they weren’t sure she would survive over 6 months. We had a decision to make and it wasn’t one we took lightly, our girl that we had hopes and dreams for was never going to have a normal life and we would be lucky if she had any mobility, sight or hearing. That paired with learning disabilities meant she would be wheelchair bound her whole life and completely dependant on us. Her quality of life was our main thought, doctors were fairly sure that if she did make it past 6 months it would be a miracle but not one we wanted her to endure. So we made the hardest yet easiest decision of our lives and we decided our girl deserved better than to continue fighting for a life that wasn’t good enough for her, it was not a life any child, animal or human would want. On 3rd March 2018 Grace Berry was born and she brought so much light into our lives. We discovered the most amazing support system we could never have imagined, we discovered love like no other and we had cuddles with our beautiful and perfect little girl.
Months down the line and we discovered her fight wasn’t in vain. By all odds Grace should not have got to her 20 week scan but by her doing so and due to her strength we discovered a very rare genetic condition we both carried. Thanks to Grace we now have a strong action plan in place for future pregnancies and this year welcomed her gorgeous baby sister Fallon knowing that whatever came our way we could fight it and we could do this all
Thanks to our amazing Grace Berry we now knew why I struggled with pregnancies but I could carry children. So for all my 6 miscarriages for those babies who I never saw or felt and for Grace I will never let your memories fade 💖
Day 3 - Bonny's Story
September 2017, 7 months post partum and breastfeeding my LB. I was slowly losing a few pounds here and there, but not feeling my best.
Constantly feeling tired and dizzy and faint, thinking to myself this is normal with a new born. I was then hitting the high sugar foods and the coffee to stay more alert, but still feeling unwell.
Luckily for me I had a blood pressure machine at home as I previously experienced low blood pressure. So I pulled it out and took my BP. No, this cant be right, my machine must be wrong, it was ridicouously low, that really I should have passed out. Taking my BP regular for a week, I then spoke to my HV and she advised to speak to the drs, concerned I may pass out looking after my LB.
I went to the drs numerous times with all my BP readings and was advised to increase my salt intake and to consume a banana a day for potassium, I advised them that I do this already and yet I could not understand why I wasn’t feeling any better.
It was clear from my appointments that this is what it was and wasn’t looked into further.
My husband was working away during the week and returned home on weekends.
Sunday 3rd December, yes almost 3 months later, around 8am, still suffering my low BP and no other symptoms.
I woke up feeling more unwell than usual, I tried to eat my breakfast which I found a struggle, I went to lay in bed breastfeeding my LB and struggled to feed with the feeling of wanting to pass out while laying down.
I texted my husband from the other room to see if he would come and sit with me whilst I was feeding as I was worried. He didn’t respond.
After a few minutes I came in, woke my husband and asked him to take my LB as I don’t feel well and went to the bathroom.
I have experienced passing out previously, but this was much worse. I was literally shaking on the toilet, I was texting my friend to say I wasn’t feeling well, I could feel my blood pressure dramatically dropping, with hot sweats, I got up to flush the toilet and suddenly everything went black.
Maybe moments later, I could hear my husband repeatedly shouting my name and the screams of my LB, I couldn’t move my body, I was looking at him and the screams got louder, I started to shout for my little boy, he’s crying , he’s crying, pick him up. I suddenly shot up off the floor and my husband shouted no, I’ve called an ambulance, stay there.
I was adamant I was okay and I Had low blood pressure because I didn’t eat my breakfast.
The ambulance were here moments later, they got me on the bed to check me over and asked me if I had any other pain, that morning I had a small stabbing pain in my left side. They advised me due to the pain to go get checked out at the hospital.
Being a new mum I was hesitant and didn’t want to go, my husband insisted I should go get checked out as he worked away and didn’t want it to happen again whilst hes’ not here.
In the end I decided to go. I got to the front door and almost passed out again. I was then taken down to the ambulance in a chair.
Strapped to the bed in the ambulance I was chatting away to the paramedic and phased out, it was like everything when quiet and dark. I remember then being pushed into the hospital and as I was parked into a bay the nurse asked me to confirm my name and again I phased out again and when I woke up I was taken into another area.
I was asked so many questions, one of them being are you pregnant…. No I started to laugh, definitely not and I’ve been having periods I said.
Then again I passed out, when I woke up, they said welcome back we almost lost you again.
This was the 3rd time this happened since the morning.
They asked if they could take a urine sample but for some reason I could not give one, I was in so much pain by this time but refused any medication as I was adamant I was going to feed my LB.
In the meantime I asked the dr to ring my husband to bring my LB in so I could feed him and to ring my Nan to come and help him, all my family are 6 hours away and she wouldn’t get here til the next day.
They informed me that I was getting worse and it was highly likely I was going to have surgery but didn’t tell me what for.
2 people tried to get a tube in to help me wee, a surgeon had to come down to do this. Within minutes I was told I was pregnant, my first thoughts were, Oh I didn’t want another child.
Before I knew it, I was having a scan over my stomach, everything was happening so fast, the pain in my stomach was getting worse. As they were checking my stomach and administering medication for the cramps, my husband and LB came in.
The look on my husbands face when they said I was pregnant he looked as shocked as me. My LB was too scared to come to me to feed. Then I started to scream, I started to have a reaction to the medication for the cramps.
I screamed to my husband to take my LB out, then really fast all these people were ushering around my bed, I had tubes coming out my arms, I have never seen a swarm of people work so fast. Its too late to feed your little boy now the DR said, I think you need to take some stronger medication to help with the pain.
It was about 3.30pm in the afternoon and I was advised I had internal bleeding and suffered an ectopic pregnancy and that I would be blue lighted to another hospital for emergency surgery.
To be honest I didn’t know much about ectopic pregnancy and I didn’t have anytime to think about it. I was rushed out where I said bye to my husband and LB and told them both I loved them and said to my husband, please look after him whatever happens. I honestly thought I may not make it home.
Later that evening I woke up groggy with my husband sat next to me holding my hand and the next day I forced myself the walk out by the evening to be with my LB.
My left tube was removed in surgery.
Prior to leaving a trainee nurse came to give me paperwork to explain ectopic pregnancy and to advise that there will be a funeral in March. I was so worried about my LB that it didn’t actually dawn on me what had rally happened.
I had died 3 times and lost a baby I didn’t even know existed.
I literally burst into tears, I felt guilty that reality of what happened hadn’t dawned on me.
Maybe one of the reasons is that I was not really educated enough on what an ectopic was.
There are so many questions…..
If I was more educated, could I have prevented it from getting this far?
Why hadn’t the Drs picked it up?
This was a distressing experience for myself and husband.
We then had the agonising time of waiting for the funeral 3 months later. This funeral was shared with other parents who also lost their children early on in pregnancy and all remains were cremated together.
In a way it gave peace that our baby was not alone.
As we said goodbye we had the choice to leave an item to be cremated and we left a picture of our little family and a message. After touching the coffin to say our goodbyes we got to pick a stone which I carry with me everyday.
I don’t have any scan photos and didn’t know the gender of the baby, however in my heart I always believe she is a girl, and this stone I carry represents her
I had an ectopic pregnancy
I am that 1 in 80
I survived and grateful everyday.
I will also raise awareness and stand with others, I am strong and so are you.
Please light a candle at 7pm on the 15 October to honour our babies gone too soon.
Day 3 - Alyysia's story
We got married 2014 it was a wonderful day and we went on a honeymoon straight after, we knew we wanted to start a family straight away and so I stopped taking birth control around Christmas time (we got married in February) everything seemed normal I had a period the week before the wedding and I just remember being so excited at the idea of starting a family. We had a lovely time and when we got back I knew we were pregnant before the test even said, I still took over 8 tests though! We were over the moon, we named them blastoise (after the Pokémon but also because they were a blastocyst when we found out and it sounded similar) and we bought a diary to log the journey and we bought little booties and told our parents and friends we were just so excited and I remember literally bouncing to the sonographer as we waited for the appointment I fretted over how badly I had to pee and my husband was just excited to see baby.. we got called in and I lay down she starts the scan and we see a little baby on the screen! Now I’ve no idea at the time how big baby should be so we’re just looking at the little arms and legs we can see and then suddenly the sonographer says I’m just going to have to do an internal scan and call another staff in.. my heart sank. I knew they were going to say something was wrong... I went to the bathroom and I remember sitting there thinking if I stay here I don’t have to hear any bad news.. when I finally come out their waiting for me..
I strip off get the sheet of tissue for an attempt at modesty and the scan begins.. straight away we see baby again and I can’t understand what the issue is.. the sonographers start conferring and then suddenly she says I’m so sorry there’s no heart beat. At that point I’m sure mine stopped, it shattered... I just stared at the screen and I couldn’t comprehend what she was telling me... I could see my baby they looked perfect what is she on about... She starts pointing to the screen saying where the heartbeat should be and I just tuned out.. she finished the scan I got dressed and they pulled us into a side room saying the midwife will be with us shortly and I remember thinking your saying my babies dead... Why do I need a midwife...
A lovely lady comes down and starts talking about 'my options' natural miscarriage or medically assisted.. stating that baby had stopped growing at 8/9 weeks and my body hadn’t realised so they thought an erpc would be the best option.. we went away and discussed it and agreed it was booked for two days later .. I had no idea what it entailed... I got to the hospital 9am like they asked.. and it wasn’t until 11am that someone came to my bed to sign forms... I remember being very out of it... And then suddenly the nurse said to me the worst and most horrifying way of asking, in my opinion, question I’d heard yet... What do you want us to do with the foetal remains.. I just froze and my husband tried to help I just remember signing whatever form she was handing me which turned out to be a hospital cremation.. I went to surgery and I was fine until I was being put to sleep.. then I panicked but I dropped off quickly and when I came to it was over... The nurse I had came and asked if I was ok and I just cried and said my babies gone and she was so lovely she hugged me and said I’m so sorry my darling and then I promptly needed a sick bowl which ruined the moment somewhat... Over an hour after surgery I head back to my original room with my husband waiting... We had to wait for me to come round and then we were sent home the same day about 9pm...
The next week was the hardest recovering from the erpc... Mourning my loss and having no one to speak to that understood me... Everyone seemed to expect me just to be over it instantly.. It also seemed to completely mess my body up and I didn’t fall pregnant again for 18 months... Thankfully this was my rainbow, but I can honestly say I didn’t get to enjoy my pregnancy till I was 30 weeks+ I was so sure I’d lose them again... We didn’t buy a single baby item till 25 weeks... Since then I have been further blessed with my pot of gold, whose a miracle in himself, a threatened miscarriage till 23 weeks then born spontaneously at 31 weeks.. I am so lucky! I’m sure our angel was watching over them. And there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of blastoise and we light their candle every due date, a loss is a loss and it hurts always, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone! But the silence around it, the taboo, needs to change we shouldn’t be scared to remember!
Baby blastoise – 27/11/14
Day 2 - ANON Post
I miss my baby. My heart aches for her every single day. This doesn’t make me broken, this makes me a mother.
My personal experience has been a very lonely one. Our Daughter was a very poorly baby.
Imagine going to your 12week scan all excited and happy to meet/see your baby and then the room goes silent and you just know......
Your then ushered out the back door to a side room to be delivered bad news, that your precious baby is poorly and you'll need more tests.
We was told our baby had a very high chance of Down’s syndrome or Patua syndrome as the Nuchal fold (back of the neck measurement) was incredibly high.
The next few weeks were the longest, loneliest and most painful weeks I'd ever had. I had scan after scan, test after test and felt I was watching all the horror unfold like a movie.
At each scan every other day we were slowly watching our Daughter get even more poorly and slowly die in front of our eyes.
We were told that our Daughter wouldn’t make it to term and if she did somehow reach her due date she wouldn’t survive long after that. Our Daughter was found to have Turners syndrome and had lots of complications that can occur with the syndrome, our poorly Daughter also had heart problems too aswel as other problems that was taking its toll on her, by this point her whole body was swollen, her neck measurement was now very high 17mm as was her abdomen measurement.
My Husband and I made the heartbreaking decision to end our much wanted pregnancy as we couldn’t watch our Daughter suffering any longer, it was breaking our hearts seeing her detoriate.
I went into hospital to take a pill to end my pregnancy and was then told to wait two days to go back in to labour my Daughter but my body had other ideas and I went into labour that night. It was an 8 hour emotional labour and hearing a baby crying on the ward was breaking me even more. I was very lucky in the fact I had a bereavement suite and a little away from the labouring area of other mums and babies. I will never forget being gently guided into that room whilst I broke down outside of it feeling incredibly sad and heartbroken.
When we met our very little Daughter, (16weeks by this point) she looked absolutely Perfect to us and was slightly smaller than the size of my hand. I sadly couldn't even hold her though as she was too small and fragile so I had to cuddle a moses basket with her in and at the end of the day leave her at the hospital on her own to return home to my Son.
My Daughters funeral was the most beautiful funeral I've ever been too, we were incredibly lucky to get it funded and she was given a beautiful white engraved coffin and arrived for her funeral in a limousine, it was just my husband and I and she had the most gorgeous send off on a beautiful day with the service overlooking rolling countryside.
The pain never goes away and she is always in my thoughts, my Son and rainbow baby will always know of their Sister and we’ll have days out in her memory and add to her garden shrine on her birthday/anniversary.
I'm incredibly grateful for all the staff, vicar, funeral directors and some of the people I've met along this horrible journey and the care they've shown during our loss and our rainbow baby pregnancy.
Talk to mummies about there angels, they'll want to talk about them as much as you want to talk about your earth children.
Breaking the silence!
Day 1 - Daisy's Story
Sharing Alex’s story to help break the taboo
On November 11th, at 12:32am my second son was born via emergency c-section. Ten perfect toes, and ten perfectly squidgy fingers, a head of dark curls and the cutest little curled up ears. 8lb 2oz of chunky perfection with the hairiest shoulders and ears. My family was complete.
After a textbook labour, at 10cm dilated things started to go wrong and then went downhill rapidly. By the time Alex was born, my uterus had ruptured, starving him of vital oxygen and causing irreparable, devastating brain damage. Life support kept him alive for 4 short days, allowing me precious time with my baby, time to make memories, time to introduce him to close friends and family, and time to prepare my heart for saying goodbye. It was not enough time. It could never have been enough time. I thought that I needed to squeeze a lifetime of love into those days. I thought the only other people to utter his name would be his nurses and doctors in NICU. I thought I’d never get the chance to celebrate him when death clouded the time we had and ultimately stole him away.
I was wrong.
When Alex took his last breath, friends and family all around the world lit candles in his honour and sent me pictures with messages of love. Those messages never stopped. I have a finite number of photos of Alex, but the photos I have of people remembering him just keep coming and they are so, so gratefully received. My friends and family have not forgotten the little boy that many of them never got the chance to meet. His name has appeared on beaches around the world, remembered and included on family holidays and adventures. Candles have been lit on special dates and messages sent to acknowledge his existence and my love for him. I know I am lucky, as many loss mamas I’ve connected with have lost friends and even family in their grief journeys. It hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows for me either. In the depths of my grief the biggest secondary loss hit me – the loss of my husband. Perhaps it was incompatible grief, perhaps it was inevitable. I don’t know. All I know for sure is that my utterly broken heart did not have room for anything other than grieving my baby and making it through every day without him.
As Baby Loss Awareness week approaches and this issue becomes prevalent outside of the whispered realms of social media and charity support groups, I want people to know that asking us about our babies is what we want and what we need as parents. Our stories are traumatic, and sensitive and upsetting, yes. But they are not offensive or in need of sensors and trigger warnings. They are shrouded by loss but full of life. Each child is different, each mother and father’s grief is different but each story matters. Not just in October.
A big thank you to all these incredible mums who have shared their stories with me to help raise awareness and break the silence surrounding baby loss.
Tonight, during wave of light, a special post will be shared on Facebook and Instagram in honour of all those baby's to precious to walk this earth. I will be encouraging all parents from the baby loss community to join in on that post and share their names/their stories or to leave a message for there beautiful angel baby's.
TO ALL THOSE ANGEL BABIES LOST THROUGH MISCARRIAGE AND TERMINATION FOR MEDICAL REASONS ❤💙💜